You Know Where to Find Me
by web of light
Summary: Post Memorial. Tom and Harry deal with their Post Traumatic Stress. Friendship
_You know where to find me. He wasn't being rational. Not only was he not listening to reason, he wasn't listening at all. She was hesitant to leave him alone in such a state but she forced herself to accept the hard fact there was nothing she could do to help him. Back in her quarters she waited hoping that he would find a way out of the hell that he had fallen into. Not long ago she wandered lonely through a mask of numbness where feelings were forbidden. He was living in a place where feelings would not be silenced. She wanted to help him but didn't know where to begin. All she could do was wait_.

The memories are permanent. The words hung like a death sentence in his mind. The Doctor did what he could. Shots, ordering time off, giving suggestions. In time the memories would fade and grow distant like any other memory but right now everything was fresh. The cries of the dying, the screams of the fearful, his own terror and finally the guilt. It was opening old wounds.

The familiar chirp of someone at the door distracted him. "Come in." he said. The doors swished open. It was Harry. He was afraid it would be B'Elanna back to give her a piece of her mind after he practically threw her out the door. He hadn't meant to react that way but somehow he could not control his actions. It was frightening.

"Can I come in?" Harry asked. Tom nodded. Harry had grown so much from that fluorescent green boy who had first come aboard Voyager five years ago but now he was in a fragile state. Dark circles beneath his eyes betrayed his exhaustion. He sat down in the chair opposite Tom and said nothing for a while.

"So how are you doing?" He asked.

"Not too good." Tom replied. More silence.

"The last time I felt this way was after our time in prison. It stayed with me for weeks. I'd dream about them pounding on me, waking up in a sweat. It eventually faded. The problem is the guilt. The new memories might have been false but somehow it brought all the real memories back. Memories of things I had actually done." Harry said. He sat back in the chair and positioned himself so he was staring at the ceiling. "You never said another thing about it but I would sometimes see myself with that pipe ready to take one more swing at you." he went on.

Tom reached over and grabbed him by the wrist. "Stop it Harry! I know what guilt feels like. I killed three of my friends, remember?"

"That was different. You didn't mean for them to die. For one brief moment…" Harry pulled his arm out of Tom's grip.

"You were under the influence of that damn clamp."Tom jumped up and started pacing around the room." We can't do this. We can't sit around arguing over whose past is the worst. It won't help."

"I just wanted to get it out." Harry said." Maybe you can hold things in but I can't. I never could. The people who normally help us, Neelix, Chakotay are in just a bad a shape as we are. Even the Captain got a taste of what we went through. I just…" He buried his face in his hands.

"It's OK. You're right." Tom sat back down and turned to face his friend. "Hey." He pulled Harry's hands away forcing him to look up. "I'm sorry Harry. This thing has got us all messed up in more ways than one. B'Elanna tried to talk to me. She came by and you know what I did? I yelled at her and told her I didn't need her help. She was so quiet about it. Normally she's the one who yells but the louder I got the quieter she got and I literally screamed in her face. She just walked out and told me I knew where to find her. I don't want to face her again. I hate to think that I might do something more violent than raise my voice at her. Something just snapped."

"Maybe she understands more than you know." Harry said. "Maybe that's why she didn't yell back."

"Maybe. I just don't want to take that risk. I don't want to do or say anything I might regret. It's safer if I stay away from her for now."

The two young men sat in silence for a few more minutes, each preoccupied with his own thoughts.

"The Doctor gave me a sedative to help me sleep. I don't like it but I don't think I have a choice." Tom said.

"Me either." Minutes passed.

Tom was beginning to hate the silence. "I hate sitting here doing nothing. I hate the way those memories just show up without warning. I need to do something but I can't be at my post. Not yet."

"Maybe we should go take it to the holodeck" Harry suggested.

"I don't know about you but I'm in no mood to play Captain Proton. War Games just don't seem appropriate right now. I'd probably be tempted to drink too much of the real stuff in Sandrine's...or Fair Haven for that matter. There's really no safe place."

"You're right." Harry said. "But maybe we could do something really physical that doesn't involve fighting or drinking. Maybe help us work all this energy out."

Tom took a moment to consider Harry's suggestion. Something about the idea appealed to him.

"I suppose we could play some games, velocity, or something. Maybe that would help?" Tom said.

"I don't think it would hurt." Harry said. "Maybe that would be enough of a distraction. I have time tomorrow. Fourteen hundred Hours Holo-deck Two."

"I'll be there." Tom said. Harry nodded and was soon on his way. Tom ordered the replicator to produce at the hypo spray filled with the medicine the Doctor had prescribed for him. If nothing else it would give him the gift of a dreamless night.

-io-

They had played several rounds of velocity and then a game of old fashioned handball. It became intense as they increased the speed of the game, hitting the ball against the far wall with all the physical strength they could muster and chasing after it as it bounced back again. Harder and harder they played steadily wearing themselves out but they refused to give up because this thing that they were doing was allowing them to vent their emotions. Tom didn't know what was going through Harry's mind but he could see the Memorial, he could hear The Captain's arguments about keeping it powered up and he felt the anger all over again. The constant pounding, the gasping for air started to drown out the voices. Memories went quiet as his endorphin levels went up. He slammed the ball as hard as he could and noted Harry slamming it back just as hard. They reached the point of exhaustion, giving up simultaneously as if by agreement.

They sat on the court breathing heavily and covered in sweat.

"Computer, lower the temperature by 15 degrees and replicate two bottles of water." Tom said. The water bottles shimmered into place before them and the air temperature cooled off. They said nothing as they sat and re-hydrated.

"You think it helped?" Tom asked after he got his breath.

Harry wiped his brow. "Maybe. I don't know. We'll see. We go back on duty tomorrow."

"I'm not looking forward to it. I don't want to go crazy when I'm sitting at the helm." Tom wiped his own brow.

"Tom." Harry began. He acted like he wanted to say something more but fell silent. Tom recognized the signal. He sighed to himself because he knew what was coming and wished to avoid it but Harry was his friend. He had saved his life in prison. He owed him many times over.

"You want to talk about it?" He asked. Harry nodded.

"I know it wasn't me but I can't get over the fact that I just ran away like that." He said. "It goes against everything I was taught, everything I believe If I hadn't run away then I wouldn't have shot those people...what if some day I run..." Tom didn't stop him. He became aware of the gentle pressure of Harry resting his head on his shoulder. Without hesitation he put his arm around him. He knew without looking that Harry was crying. He wouldn't look. He would give him that much.

"I don't know why I just started shooting. That's not what I do. I guess we were just really really tired." Tom said. He flashed back to Terakis but this time it was a little less painful. They stayed in that position until the computer broke in on their thoughts telling them their time was up. They were reluctant to go back out there into their real world. A thought occurred to Tom as Harry got up to leave.

'You ever play basketball?" Tom asked.

"No. Seen it played. Lots of running and jumping. I'm willing to learn."

"My time...tomorrow evening after alpha shift."

"I'll be here."

-io-

Normally manning the conn was like second nature, like breathing. His hands would automatically go to the correct locations without a thought but today he found himself having to focus. This link to that one for this heading. A careful touch here, slinging his chair over to the navigation controls in a more controlled manner than his normal quick graceful movement. The shots from the Doctor and his restful sleep last night had helped but it still took an effort. Fortunately the shift was uneventful. Chakotay's eyes stayed buried in a padd deep in study. The Captain stared straight ahead at the view screen. He caught Harry's eyes. His friend just shook his head sending the signal that he was having similar difficulties concentrating.

Harry caught on to the finer points of basketball very quickly. Tom felt himself concentrating on everything, how to throw the ball, how high to jump, the sensation of his feet hitting the floor. The more he thought on his own physical reactions the less he thought about his mental trauma. Once again they mutually stopped and had a seat to take a breath.

"I think next time we might go outdoors with something. Maybe skiing...or white water rafting."

"I've never done either of those things but up for it." Harry said. 'How long do you think we'll have to do this?"

"I don't know. As long as it takes I guess."

"Maybe when we can stop shooting ourselves up with drugs and the nightmares stop." Harry said.

The two friends exchanged a mutual glance and then immediately looked away.

-io-

It took weeks but things slowly started to get better. Tom wasn't quite so easily distracted at his post anymore. Reason overcame his fear and guilt and the nightmares started to wan. His holodeck time with Harry became less and less intense. They had a moment of shared laughter when Harry took a dunking when he came upon some unexpected rapids on the Colorado River. The memories were still there but began to go quiet until finally the two friends returned to the simple fun of holo-novels. He felt he no longer needed the shots and the Doctor agreed. B'Elanna had said that he knew where to find her. He had looked at her duty schedule and tonight she was free. He decided he wasn't going to resort to any kind of cutesy subterfuge to get her attention and pretend that his rant at her had never happened.

"Tom to B'Elanna. May I stop by this evening?" A moment of silence before she answered. "Of course you can Tom." Her voice was unusually soft. At least she didn't sound angry or perturbed. He rehearsed what he was going to say all the way to her quarters but nothing sounded right but there were only so many ways to say "I'm sorry."

After hearing her 'come in' he opened the door. She was sitting on the couch dressed in her comfortable loose fitting pants and tank top. She had her feet tucked under her...she was the picture of calm. She was actually reading a book which she closed and laid down on the table. She smiled at him. He was glad he had decided to talk to her here, away from the holodeck. He needed to come back to a real place and right here right now was as real as it could get. He sat down and remembered that time not long ago when she had done her best to explain why she had pulled away from him during her time of deep depression. Now it was his turn.

"I'm sorry I reacted to you the way I did when we last talked. You didn't do anything to deserve that."

"It was your pain talking." she said. He wasn't used to this. He was used to an angry B'Elanna who would hurl accusations back at him. The woman who looked at him was the complete picture of understanding. He wasn't sure how to go on. This was unfamiliar territory.

"I'm sorry I've kept to myself over the past few weeks but I had to work things out my own way. I wasn't ignoring you….I just had to...I didn't want to lose it around you again. I honestly didn't know how I would react. I was afraid I'd do something worse than yell at you."

"Tom." She reached out to him and laid a hand on his arm. "It's OK. I understand. When I came to your room that night I had no idea how deep the hurt was. I thought I could simply distract you with the TV, with pizza and then you might cry on my shoulder for a while and things would be OK. What I was offering wasn't what you needed. You were right. You didn't need to be comforted. I couldn't fix it. You needed to approach this on your own terms which was apparently to beat the hell out of it."

His brows knit together. He was puzzled. She laughed softly at him.

"I happened to see you and Harry come out of the holodeck one day. It looked like you were doing some pretty intense workouts in there."

"Yes. We were." he said. He sat forward in the chair. "We were angry and it wasn't just Terakis. It was the anger at the Captain repairing the Memorial, it was all our real guilt coming back. Caldik Prime. Harry had his own demons to deal with. He needed me...I needed to be around someone who knew how it was…"

"Harry has demons?" she asked. One eyebrow was raised high like a Vulcan. Tom thought long and hard for a moment before he spoke his next words. "You can't ever mention this to anyone but when we were in prison, when he was under the influence of the clamp, after I was wounded...he tried to kill me." Her eyes widened. She said nothing but the sound of a sudden sharp intake of breath filled the room. "The better angels of his nature took over which was easy because deep down no matter what Harry Kim is not a killer. Later when I was barely able to even hold up my head he saved my life from the mob but he still couldn't quite get over that one moment even though I tell him it's OK. To move on." he said. He shifted around in the chair to lean closer to her. 'What I'm trying to say is you were right, this wasn't a time where talking it out and simply holding someone's hand would do the trick. We needed a lot more….and we had to go through it together."

"You did the right thing." B'Elanna said. She was silent for a few moments, changing her position on the couch. "I admit I was a bit...upset that you didn't turn to me but then I realized this wasn't about me. It was about you." Silence reigned for a few moments. Tom felt disorientated.

"I don't know if I can get used to the quiet considerate you. When I was screaming at you….I was amazed that you said nothing. You just took it." Tom said.

"I've grown up a lot in the past year. My depression, my visit to the afterlife which may or may not have happened, I've learned a lot. I've learned to read people and as I said, I've learned that it's not always about me. Why...do you miss the old me?"

"I don't miss the conflicted you. I hope your spark, your fire hasn't been completely doused." He said truthfully.

"It's still here. I've just learned how to control it. Don't worry. I'll let it out from time to time." She smiled at him. This wasn't the time to flirt but sometimes things had a way of slipping out. He smiled back.

"Can you talk about it now?" She asked. He let out a long breath and stared at the wall across from him.

"I think so." he said. She indicated that he should come sit beside her which he did and she immediately took his hand in hers. He moved closer but didn't look at her. He kept his eyes to the front. After a moment he began... "We volunteered to help move the colonists...we met at Saavdra's headquarters where we made plans….we had been up for days…..

 _She laid her head on his shoulder. She was glad he felt safe enough to share it with her and she did not care if the only thing they did this did this evening was sit here while he tried to talk about the things that had tortured his soul. This might well be the final step to his recovery and if her job was to sit and listen...she would listen._


End file.
